I wonder what it's going to be like having a new baby. I wondered the same when I was pregnant with Maliah but now I know what it's like to truly be head over heels in love with someone. Maliah took my heart the moment I saw her heart beating. I thought I couldn't love anyone more than my family or Ryan but then she came along and nothing else really mattered and now, I have someone new that shares my heart with Maliah. Being with Maliah through her baby milestones was the happiest point of my life thus far, those moments when she conquered sitting up. crawling.. walking.. those were moments where I felt like my heart wanted to burst because I was so happy.
I wonder what this will be like... watching them grow up together playing together.. even their little fights. Just everything about the fact that I was able to give Maliah someone to have through her whole life.. someone who is going to be there when I'm gone and when she needs someone to just love her. I always worried that I would never be in this position.. I always worried that I was depriving her of the relationship of a brother or sister, never because of my own goals it just never happened but here it is.. and I feel blessed. Watching movies with a new baby in them or even just seeing pictures of new babies makes me tear up with happiness because I am looking forward to this, and I have been for such a long time.
After our miscarriage I felt like I would never be strong enough to go through a pregnancy again, and right now I worry so much. My morning sickness is very reassuring and I wouldn't trade that for the world because it keeps me going. It's so hard to not look at baby patterns or think about names, maybe doing that will keep this all going in a positive direction. I'm afraid to say it but.. I am in love my little baby already... I'm just really scared something might happen. Like my Grandma said
God go with us on this journey.
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