Weight is an issue.

So Addison is a month & 3 days old! I'm very excited about her growth she's 9.5 lbs of baby goodness =) she's becoming much more alert and is reacting to different faces and the things going on around her. Ryan picks her up and she just stares at him like he's an alien it's actually really funny because she looks stunned. I think a part of him is a little bit jealous because I recently got a pump to start up a milk supply and he was asking me 2 days later when it was his turn to feed the baby. I think some of it comes from a comment I made when I said that if he doesn't hold Addison, she won't know who he is and won't have trust in him and when I'm away she will need a person of trust. Since then he's been getting kind of jealous about me holding her constantly. Also I think a little bit of jealousy comes out when I walk out of the room Addy will wake up from her sleep & start crying until I come back. I'm not going to lie, it's a great feeling that she just wants me & that I can make her feel better but at the same time I feel kind of bad that he is kind of saddened by that.

As far as my recovery, my stitches haven't completely healed at this point which is kind of a bummer because with Maliah, I was fully recovered by 3 weeks but this time I think was a little bit more dramatic so I have to wait the full 6 weeks. My weight loss is a little bit tricky, I have always felt like weight was a sensitive issue for most people so it's hard for me to talk about it, everyone gets offended at some point.. & I know that for me, people feel like I don't have the right to be concerned about my weight so it's a subject I try to avoid at all costs. But... I'm feeling like maybe my ocd is starting to kick in when it comes to weight, when I look at myself in the mirror I feel completely confident about the way that my body is however when I step on the scale and I see that I'm in the 130's I feel determined to either go to the gym for a second time in a day or I feel determined to look up things on the internet. I've calculated my BMI, asked what people think of others in my weight range and the saddest one, I googled what celebrities are my height and weight. Of course, afterward I felt lame & told myself that I'll eventually lose it but I can't help but to feel like I want to just live at the gym. I downloaded an app to my phone that helps me manage my calories and the exercise routines I should be doing and I'm seeing a nice difference. I think today was the first day that I realized that what is on the scale really doesn't matter, being healthy is what matters and before I got pregnant I probably wasn't within a healthy range so... I have to keep telling myself that if I lose it, visually I will be satisfied if I don't, I will be satisfied with my longevity.