Lately I have been playing with my thoughts... looking deeper into who I am and the way that I feel about life. I feel as though I've become more focused on what I'm currently doing for myself instead of trying to please others with my actions. One thing that really struck me recently is that I'm 25. I feel so much older than that, like I have already been through many different things. I think this is one of the most difficult things about being me. I'm a mother of three, a homeowner and I run my own business which at times can be very very stressful due to the demand, the research and all of the other technical stuff that comes with it.
I look around at my 25 year old friends and for the most part, their lives are just so different. Some of them still live with their parents, most of them don't have jobs and some even live that lifestyle as parents themselves. Though my Mom and I don't talk, I feel like I can thank her for the way I've learned to live my life. The abandonment has helped me understand that this is my life and I live it how I want to, I get what I want, I get what I need and as long as I don't hurt or step on anyone else in the process it's what is right. My mom did what every parent is supposed to, just in a very unconventional sink or swim way.
When we leave the house with our children, people stare. For a long time I couldn't figure it out, I thought it was just the Phoenix crowd being rude as usual but a recent trip up north made it more apparent. I sat back and thought about it, pieced another part of my life with the motherhood part and realize that it's because Ryan and I both look very young. We both get carded, sometimes multiple times especially at casinos. Getting into San Manuel with baby faces is no easy task to say the least. Some Huntington bars even want two forms of ID, so it makes sense. I just hold my head high with my Starbucks in my hand while my super intelligent daughter talks my ears off ;)
These thoughts led me to think about other things too. Recently we went out for a night of drinks and fun with friends and the way they acted in their thirty-something years of age.. I just couldn't believe it. It was like a trip to Vegas, something right out of the hangover, cops involved dresses flying everywhere, drinks and everything. Though I was called a sponge for the way I handle my own drinks... Ryan and I were basically just sitting back spectating, watching our friends and family act like they were in college. When we got home I told him how I felt, the whole time we were dealing with the un-fun portion of the night, all I wanted to do was to go home and listen to our kids ask for everything on the face of the planet at the fear of sounding too "Motherly" He felt the same way.
Prior to this night I felt like maybe I was being too stuck up.. maybe I am just boring, just a mother, just a person who loves and cares for other people and has no fun for herself, a control freak, someone who just won't let go of her children. But the moment he said that he felt the same way and his thoughts on the situation... I knew that I had what I had always hoped for. When we started dating, I fell in love so quickly. I told him that I wanted to grow old with him to which his reply was "so that's what we'll do:)" and that's what we're doing. In the beginning I was so afraid, part of me was thinking about his life and what he had going on and how we were changing all of that, the other part was afraid that he would do the same to me, and regretfully it has taken me this long to become secure in my environment, it's taken me years to actually understand the level of love that we share.
I am growing UP with the person that I was meant to be with. As long as we grow together, our relationship will have many accomplishments. Our life is crazy, it always has been and it always will be but our life has thrown the good kind of crazy curveballs at us which keeps us young, motivated and happy to be where we are. Why blog about this? Because my friends don't get it..
