June 13th was undoubtedly a day to remember.
It's a day I have been waiting for.. my entire life. Coming from a bi-polar childhood with grandparents who loved me to the moon and back, with a sideline mother who was just plain abusive (mentally and physically) I have yearned for a consistent love. Someone to just say.. "be mine.. all mine.. I want you to stay here with me, forever" and that happened. I know most people are for the theatrics, they want the on bended knee, at a baseball game, on top of some sky scraper or whatever just like the movies.. proposal, but I wanted it to feel real, and he knew that. I didn't need the fairy tale proposal because that just isn't who we are.
One thing he knew that I wanted was for it to be right. With three.5 kids, there are so many different things you have to get in order before just splurging on a wedding... and for us that was consistency, a more scheduled life with disciplinary procedures, maturing to a point where we let the little things go to the wayside, schooling in order and of course, the big things. A house where everyone has a room to themselves with room to grow, a car that comfortably seats everyone and of course, the love and the drive to beat the odds, to say fuck off to the people who deserve it and to sacrifice the little things for the big love that we shared.
In the beginning of this relationship, it was tough. That word is probably not the most fitting but things were terribly hard. The emotions for each other were there, but we just had so many things riding against us, prohibiting us to build a life together which for the most part really caused so many problems. Until we let go, we were able to really love each other without borders. I have come such a long way with working on myself. I wasn't meant to let my childhood live on forever, I wasn't to be the kind of person who suffered from the pain and agony of growing up with a parent who didn't want me, and a mother who resented me and let that get the best of her abilities to parent me, so she let go. I let that get to who I am... deeply rooted into my soul it was embedded.. so it took what seemed like forever to get that out of me and realize that THIS IS MY LIFE the life I am designing, the life that I am creating with anyone I want to create it with.
Our engagement story isn't the story people are going to drool over, or cry over or anything like that so I'll spare the details. But after he asked that HUGE question with that ring box open and that beautiful Vera Wang just sitting there saying "take me, I'm yours - all of your hard work has paid off.. I'm yours" our entire relationship flashed before my eyes. From the moment we met, through all of the hardships to the point that we were currently in - I realized just how much we had gone through to be together. I could barely speak, my heart was pounding and I just... I couldn't believe it was happening to ME.
We're not the super emotional kinds of people on the surface, it really takes a lot to draw it out of us on any end of the spectrum whether it's anger or happy tears. I held mine in until.. "All of Me" came on, we were standing at a mall in Utah and I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I literally busted out in tears among hundreds of strangers just standing there.. staring at the man I'm going to marry. It wasn't something I expected to do, I just couldn't hold it in anymore.. I didn't want to. In this moment, I am to be forever happy with the soul mate I always knew that I would have. The one I deserve, a man that has come such a long way. In a sense I feel like I have been here through so much critical growing, he's changed in the most amazing ways but underneath it all, he's still my Ryan. I love everything about you, your past, your present, your drive to succeed and overcome the hardest of situations with a smile.
We're getting married, and it's the most beautiful feeling in the world.
Loves all of you.
