Holding my breath...

     

  ...Lately I feel like my life has been consumed with uneasy (to say the least) feelings. I just can't wrap my head around some of the things that are happening with the people that I know. This week a friend lost her 2 year old son, a week ago another friend lost her 8 month old boy and a childhood parental figure of mine passed as well. A few months ago another friend lost her husband at the young age of just 32 and I just can't fathom the pain any of that must bring. I know for me, even being at a distance I am still wrecked by it... Death has always affected me in a multitude of ways, most of the time it leads me to seek change, make things better with people I may have pushed out that I still want in my life ..but have been operating in a way that has been continuously pushing them away selfishly. In reality most of the time, I push away people I was once close with, people who leave a hole in my heart once they've left. In the long run, death seems to affect me positively by prompting me to repair broken relationships.. however in the "during" phases I can't sleep.. I worry about my family, I feel like life is short and I need to take more risks, be more outgoing, be happier all while feeling so much grief for those who died. At the same time, sometimes I wonder if maybe I keep too many in my company that I'm not all that close with. If I hadn't heard about these things, I probably wouldn't be that affected, if I didn't talk to these people in text or on facebook all the time... I probably wouldn't feel so down about what happens to them. It wouldn't seem like these things are happening in my immediate circle. Maybe it's time that I just forget about keeping relationships that are solely electronic. Sure, when I go home we have a long list of people we need to hit up but other than that... why bother?

On the note of being overly protective and paranoid, we took Nolan to the doctor today because I feel as though his little noggin just isn't as round as most kids, of course I google and I google and I.. you know google. Scaring myself.. reading the things people go through to help their child, putting us in a bad position financially. There I was with two grand in my hand ready to get my son a helmet only to hear the pediatrician tell me that he is growing normally and yes, he will have a flat spot but his case is mild and does not warrant the embarrassment of a helmet. Really? You mean I've been stressing myself out beyond belief for that? Fine, I'll take it. This was a lesson for me though, don't freak out over things I have no idea or training on. I need to stop being a google doctor because it's not helping me or anyone else at all for that matter.

We aren't finding out the gender of this little bundle and for the most part it has been nothing short of exciting! The hardest part about it is having to pick two names, I have a feeling that I will get attached to one of the names and the baby will be the opposite gender. We've got our first name picks down but have yet to figure out middles. I think the hardest thing about naming this baby (aside from having to pick two names) is the fact that I do not in any way want the name to match any of the other kids' names if that makes sense. If this baby's name matches one... then the others will be left out and oddly, there are a lot of matchy-matchy names out there and I'm drawn to a lot of them.

In other news.. life has been BUSY. We've re-branded my entire business in a way that permits me to operate and shoot to the artistic note I have been longing for and so far, people have been taking to it despite the fact that we have moved to a predominantly LDS community with so many conservative people (about 70%.) Fortunately, many of them will forego their lifestyle for an hour with me and give into the arts.