I thought I would be ready for this, I thought I knew what I got myself into.. I swore I wouldn't get emotional when it all ended.. I thought I would be content and happy and ready for the road ahead but I'm not. Pulling out of the driveway brought me to tears. I had to stop and look for a few more seconds at the life that I was leaving behind, the memories, the beauty in such a small cozy home, the comfort, the security, my business, my friends, my family.. I didn't think it would all come to an end so quickly, I thought for some reason, that we would hold onto that house, something that made us a family.
It didn't happen like that.. we listed our Arizona house for sale and two days after listing, we got a full price offer. This was shocking to me, double what we paid for it. At first I was relieved. Knowing that we were expecting a new baby, we need the money. With a mortgage and a car to buy.. we need the money. I know.. we really need the money. It's just that we worked so hard, we worked together, saved every single penny and paid for that house in cash.. it was ours. Aside from the investment within each other, it was the best investment we could have ever made.
I feel... upset for a couple of reasons.. Ryan came in and told me that the buyers are on their way to Arizona for their closing, which sent me into a crying fit.. a quiet crying fit but still, the tears were there and for some reason it just got to me. I think a part of me hurts because I know that this is the door closing for good on a relationship between our kids and their sister. I probably should have stopped holding the door open so long ago but I've always held out hope that things and people for that matter.. would change. Now, it all seems like it has to be over, the distance would be too much for the relationship between them to even make sense. Talking about it last night I had to ask if he felt like if that situation had worked out better, if we would be here and he agreed that we wouldn't. I was a bit shocked by that answer, not sure why.. but I was. I also feel sad because I grew up in Arizona, my first apartment, my first car, my first job, friends, my sister.. life there is so easy, it's really hard to screw up life in Arizona because it's almost like it's handed to you. If I were to do this life over again, I wouldn't have changed anything about my move there. It was a turning point in my life, it was when I became an adult and it brought me to the financial me that I am now.
Our life here has been great, we have everything we have ever wanted in a city, we're close to nature and shopping in a safe environment, a place our kids can set down roots and grow. The house, it's perfect. I couldn't have been blessed with a better shot at home ownership. A part of me feels like this is just a phase and it too shall pass but the other part of me feels like I'm still holding on to Phoenix. At any rate, nothing in life is permanent and all I can do is live and be as happy as I can. Where we will end up in a few years? Who knows.. I just needed to vent.
