Ryan and I were driving around the curve, I saw a truck go by, I said "I hate when things remind me of my dad, they make me sad. They make me wonder if he ever thinks about me" Ryan laughs and says "Of course he doesn't." (My mean guy, always catching people off guard to make them laugh.) I laughed and went about my day. It didn't hurt, I actually snapped out of my funk and that was that. The very next day, my brother tells me what is going on. This after about 7 years of no contact with my father whatsoever, was somewhat of a blow to my entire existence. A flood of emotions ran through my body, it literally shook me. I was going through the same exact thing Ryan went through. Of course, I'm older. but still way too young to be losing a parent for sure.
When I was getting to know Ryan and his life before us, he told me about his father coming back into his life right before he passed away. I thought it was one of the saddest things. I could not imagine the wonder or the pain that he dealt with trying to sort out how he really felt while making the best of the time he still had left with his dad. The exact same thing is now happening to me. My father left when I was young and has come in and out of my life (a phone call, a visit etc.) but we were never close. I have always been the type to feel like if someone wanted to be in my life, they would be, so I've always just let things fall into place. I've told him over and over that he never had to stay away and that there is no time like this moment to start a relationship with me, that will stick. He never took me up on that offer, his excuse was that he was always in and out of jail and lost contact.
My father has cancer. My father has brain tumors. My father is dying.
I remember watching sail boats with him as a little kid, I remember going to the Zoo and Horton Plaza, I don't remember anything bad about him. Which is what makes this so hard because.... he was hardly there yet I distinctively remember the good times. I wish I knew why he stayed away, why he couldn't commit and why he now is coming back into my life. We've talked, and it's weird. The sudden I love you's and I miss you's are hard to swallow. How do I deal with this? One thing I've come to realize is that he is now making amends in preparation for the end, he is trying to make good on all of the promises he made to me. I never asked for that, I never expected something like this to happen. I figured he was happy without me. The situation has brought me to a point of soul searching. Re-analyzing where I want to be, and who I want in my camp. There are people that I wish were here, people that I want to make good with. So I've reached out to the people I need, accepted apologies, swallowed my pride and apologized. I can honestly say that my father did teach me something. This is a good thing for me, it is helping me grow as a person and it may very well be one of the most valuable life lessons a person could learn. I find myself spending more time thinking about big decisions, spending more time looking into the eyes of the person I love, studying his emotions, his reactions. Life can be very scary and to go through it with regrets is not a way that I want to operate. So I say my peace and if it is accepted, my people and I move forward. If not, they probably shouldn't be here anyway but I'll still take it as a learning experience, I need to stop writing people off so quickly when they cross me. There will always have a special place in my heart for my dad, I realize my mother isn't the easiest person to be around so I have never faulted him for getting out when he could.
To say I wish I had more time, is an understatement. I can't really put into words how I feel, I think my life may have been worlds different if I were raised by a stable mother and a stable father. I am humbled by my upbringings though, I am who I am because of the cards I was dealt and I didn't have it easy but for the experiences I have gone through, I am grateful. My children will have an amazing life because I'm a fighter. I stood alone through the hardest days of my life and that has raised me to take on any challenge put in my way.
Onto the next chapter...
