I became a woman ready to get married.
I will tell you, I am not your typical girl. Clearly from the life I've lead thus far. I have a way of doing things and it's backwards. So finding myself here, feeling this way... is not like me. I'm not the smooth talking romantic girl, I'm the goofy weird overly ecstatic that doesn't focus on anything longer than two seconds girl.
I am planning my wedding.
& I am SO emotional about it. I walked into a bridal boutique the other day and within just seconds, the first dress I touched, I felt as though regular mascara was a bad choice. The beading, the lace, the plastic garment bag, just everything about it made me really just imagine what the morning of my wedding day will feel like. I have a tendency to really just put my emotions out of reach. Maybe this is why it's taken me so long to just finally say "let's do it I am ready to face my emotions, to love, and to be loved for the rest of my life." So there I was, just letting it all pour out of me. I didn't say yes to a dress that day but I know that it's coming, and soon. I have two different weddings pictured in my head, the where, the how, the who is different for each idea. So for now, I'm trying to piece it all together to make it so that we don't lose the intimate factor in all of it. For the most part, we are private people when it comes to our relationship. So we definitely are not looking to compromise who we are on our wedding day. That might make some people mad, but while planning and talking to vendors, I keep hearing "Do it for you, and no one else" and they are right. I find myself becoming overly emotional when looking at wedding images, I can't wait for my turn.
I look forward to this journey & I want to be the best wife and mother that I can possibly be. Lately I have been focusing so much on my outward appearance, focusing on trying to find ME in this fat suit, that I forget to take care of what's inside. With all of the turmoil and damage done to my life starting with my childhood, I have been holding a whole lot inside. So I broke down and decided that I needed to strengthen my foundation and start therapy. Reluctantly while the ignorant me thought that seeing a shrink was weak... I was proven wrong. I feel relaxed, I feel clear, I feel as though I am getting sound advice from a person who knows how to help me navigate my mind and get rid of the negative thoughts and maybe even change the process that keeps me from moving on from certain situations that have damaged me.
My story is a long one, it starts from day one of me pretty much. So sorting through it all is difficult (especially with a stranger.) I've been through a lot and was operating as a broken girl for so many years. I don't consider it time wasted because I have accomplished a lifetime worth of successes (and lived through a lifetime worth of heartache) already, but I do use those experiences and the way I harbored my feelings as a way of going about things moving forward. I feel as though I can now handle heavier situations in a way that makes sense, instead of being so irrational and selfish. This alone will help me preserve my marriage.
Even though this is the beginning of my road to recovery, I can already feel as though I am using a part of my mind that I didn't use very much before. I want to let go of things that hurt instead of holding out for a resolution brought on by the other person. In reality, there are some situations that cannot be resolved. Of course, I will always try my best, but it takes two people to accept a mistake and move forward, apologize and accept, talk and listen and for the most part.
Over the last three years, our relationship has consistently gotten stronger, most people would have called it quits but I am so proud of us for being able to make it through hard situations because these days, I need him. I need to have someone there through the situations that I am faced with that effect me directly. I need that voice of reason, and he is it.
As mentioned before, my father is dying of cancer. I feel like I welcomed him into my life under a false hope that having my "dad" in my life would change things. So far, it hasn't in any positive way. It has done nothing but really fill me with anxiety. I had a dad growing up, I had two male figures in my life. My Grandfather and my Step Father. Both of whom taught me different ways of life to help me be the well-rounded person that I am today. I was told this: "Your children need you, your father does not. Don't do to your children what your father did to you on any levels by accepting him into your life if you aren't strong enough to handle the relationship." She is right, I am not strong enough to handle it, I can't. I have questions and in his last days, are they appropriate? No.
Aside from my own questions to my father, I find myself thinking about Ryan's daughter and the questions she might have. Naturally putting myself in the shoes of a person with a similar situation. But there I go, another unhealthy relationship that I can't fix. These aren't my problems. These don't pertain to me and my life, my children, or my relationship. So I am slowly learning that in order to lead a healthy life, and a lasting marriage. I have to let that go no matter how many times Maliah asks "when." These are the situations that I just can't handle, and it's okay that I can say that I am weak in terms of being able to handle such heavy situations. I don't intend to hide the fact that out there, somewhere is a person would could be a positive role model for my kids, but I can't sit here waiting for a rainbows and cupcakes type of situation that won't happen. I feel like subliminally, that is what I've always done with every situation. I met my own sister when I was 21 and I never lost anything from not knowing her before that age, so if that's the case for my kids, that has to happen on it's own.
In the mean time, I hope that by the time our big day rolls around, my therapy sessions can help mold me into a wiser person. An educated person around the way others think, to help me encounter big situations in a mature and confident way.
Aside from my own questions to my father, I find myself thinking about Ryan's daughter and the questions she might have. Naturally putting myself in the shoes of a person with a similar situation. But there I go, another unhealthy relationship that I can't fix. These aren't my problems. These don't pertain to me and my life, my children, or my relationship. So I am slowly learning that in order to lead a healthy life, and a lasting marriage. I have to let that go no matter how many times Maliah asks "when." These are the situations that I just can't handle, and it's okay that I can say that I am weak in terms of being able to handle such heavy situations. I don't intend to hide the fact that out there, somewhere is a person would could be a positive role model for my kids, but I can't sit here waiting for a rainbows and cupcakes type of situation that won't happen. I feel like subliminally, that is what I've always done with every situation. I met my own sister when I was 21 and I never lost anything from not knowing her before that age, so if that's the case for my kids, that has to happen on it's own.
In the mean time, I hope that by the time our big day rolls around, my therapy sessions can help mold me into a wiser person. An educated person around the way others think, to help me encounter big situations in a mature and confident way.
